Editors Note: Over the last few years I have had ongoing conversations with an Italian amateur cyclist who was caught using banned performance enhancing products. NADO Italia (National Anti-Doping Organization) found him guilty of violating anti-doping rules and issued a multi-year suspension. Now, having completed the suspension period, he agreed to be interviewed by Gran Fondo Daily (GFD). John Woodson

GFD: Talk about why were you tempted to take performance enhancing products?

CYCLIST: I was tempted because I felt I was not up to par and after a gray period I let myself be tempted, a psychological weakness.

GFD: How did you obtain the products?

CYCLIST: I would prefer not to answer how I found the products. Not from people in the [cycling] group, even if at the time it was not difficult to find [products] in the group.

GFD: Talk about how the the products affected your riding/performance.

CYCLIST: I used the products during a period in which I was not well and I wanted to train anyway. Honestly, I did not feel any benefits, my numbers never changed… I just felt more confident in my head. I stopped [using them] before racing.

GFD: Talk about the NADO anti-doping test. Were you worried about testing positive? Did you try to beat the test?

CYCLIST: What bad moments. I did not think I would be tested, and in a stupid way I did not think about the consequences. When you do certain things you try not to think about it, you justify actions by thinking that it could never happen to you. Instead, it is not like that.

I will never forget that day, and the following month was a nightmare.

I did not try to evade the test. I just hoped it went well, promising myself never to do it again.

GFD: Talk about how you felt when NADO notified you of the result and officially banned you.

CYCLIST: For a month I checked my emails every day, until the one I never wanted to receive arrived.

The world collapsed around me.

I [felt] a warm shiver, a sense of emptiness and immediately looked for a way to remedy the mistake made. I admitted my faults, there was no point in denying. Only telling the truth could make me worthy of the mistake I made.

NADO did its duty, and every day I thank that it happened to me because it brought me back to reality.

GFD: How did it affect your relationship with teammates, other cyclists, family, friends, work?

CYCLIST: My family was close to me as were other friends and racers.

The world lashed out as it should. Dopers were treated as a negative example and massacred everywhere. The saddest thing was to have thrown away years of effort and above all, dignity.

My non-cycling friends did not understand what could push someone to dope, only those who cycle know that the temptation is great.

I had few problems at work. Those who really know me scolded me, but [did] not crucify me.

GFD: Eventually you started riding again. Why? What was it like?

CYCLIST: I did not stopped pedaling for a day, cycling is my passion and therapy. I cycled to not think. I cycled to feel good about myself. I cycled because I love the effort.

Honestly, I missed competing a bit.

GFD: Now that your competitive suspension is over do you want to race again? Why?

CYCLIST: The day the disqualification ended was liberating. For years I walked looking over my shoulder, as if I was running away from something.

Now I want to race again because I am a masochist. I love competing, but perhaps the thing that pushes me the most is the desire to prove to myself that I can do it with my own legs.

GFD: How do you deal with detractors who still consider you a doper?

CYCLIST: I learned to live with it. I experienced it as a weakness.

I am not proud of what I have done, but I am proud of the journey, of these years.

I am a very respectful person who has values. I made a mistake and I hoped that my suffering could be an example, but I find that this is not the case.

GFD: Why not?

CYCLIST: I honestly thought that the [doping] environment had changed, but from what I read this is not the case.

I think that the problem is not in cycling, but in people who, dissatisfied with everyday life, look for fulfillment in sport. It is not just the first at risk, but the group because sometimes accepting one’s weaknesses is too difficult.

GFD: Is it possible to win without doping?

CYCLIST: Yes, I think you can win cleanly, absolutely.

GFD: Anything else you would like to share about your experience?

CYCLIST: What else can I say. I can say that doping is not the solution to problems. That winning a race is not the solution to problems, but working everyday both on yourself and on the bike can be much more useful. Above all, it makes you live peaceful knowing that what you have achieved is truly thanks to you alone.

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